Last year was uh, something. Good something. The quilt passed the test for sure. For the past couple of year's, Stef's projects have been mixed into with the test projects. That's fine, but this year I want to utilize something I have more control over and create the MASTERPIECE she deserves. Slight issue. She has requested that her face not be present in this year's work. Not sure if that means no reference can be used period, but I will respect her request. Worst comes to worst I can try to get most of it live and then piece it together later.
Less than a month remains and the reference shot hasn't been taken. I am a little frustrated given I had the notes ready as soon as March.
The shots are finally in with ten days left. I have jotted down several ideas. Surely one will stick. These ideas were made before I knew drawing her face was back on the table. This year has been a mess. I hope she's not mad.
These projects can vary based on whether I'm expressing something about the subject, current events, or perhaps myself. 2021 was about death, 2022 was uh, the inherent danger of being a woman in society????? 2023 was a deep expression of love and warmth. 2020, while not featuring Stef, did revolve around the virus. So, where does that leave 2024? Currently I'm in my longest depressive episode to date and I'm having regrets about cancelling Project Sunset Man. I've slowly scrubbed my online presence in the event that I do it and have come to terms with an old habit coming back. Man, this would have been the best time to execute the project. Anyhoo, fear and death is this year's theme. Specifically, I want to explore this dream I had. The two conclusions that could be drawn is, I make it or I don't.
One of the first few times we painted together, I tried to paint her quick with blue and orange. She had her head down and was furiously working on her stuff. I couldn't capture her face, and the form is somewhat crude, and I wasn't pleased with the result. Upon further examination, I do like it for what it is. There's a mysterious quality to this unknown artist working on their work. Its even more haunting to think the Estefania I drew at that time doesn't exist anymore but is a different person.
The dream had a few specific components. A bridge, artwork, sunsets, and ambiguity. I can probably work a bridge in. To obscure the face, Stef actually has the perfect hat for that so that's what we're using. The attire, if possible, needs to be mostly black. I am thinking as close to funeral attire as we can get. Another reason behind the funeral attire is based on a Richard Hawley song, specifically, The Ocean. "So why are you still dressed in your mourning suit? I assume, I assume." The Ocean, naturally, coincides with the water theme I have going.
A majority of this is not possible with the time I have left. Alas, we ball.
At the start of the year, I can honestly say I was terrified for Stef's wellbeing. Seeing how her get better and grow this year has been a rewarding experience and I am relieved she's at this particular high point. That's not to say things have been perfect, things hardly play out that way. Still, she's navigated conflict well and in turn has done well for herself. Its quite admirable really. I think back to something she told me, I think it was about how everything, emphasis on conflict, comes to pass. Those words have comforted me and I think that's the approach I will go with the project. There's small ripples still of conflict both seen and unseen, but I am foolishly choosing to believe peace is on the horizon.
It's not rocket science. Find the right pose. Check. Sketch it lightly in pencil. Check check. Add ink. Czech. Not enough time to experiment. Keep it simple or it will not happen. While doing several warm up sketches, I made a really nice portrait. I would honestly have called the project good then but Super Projects are supposed to be extra. I may add it anyways. I like it.
No unique list this year as it takes a lot of time to personalize these things. Even if I only have three people left. It's a good thing I didn't deep dive into Hana Vu until later otherwise the depression/self-loathing would have been cranked up to a life ending level. The list reflects my general mental state, the people I am making a project of, the music from the year, and a certain vibe I'm going for. Everything is intentional.
Lightning round: I will briefly explain why each song is there. City Song: Its a song I play when I feel bad and want to feel worse. Stay Soft, I like the message about how easy it is to harden and become cold from bad events but chosing to defy that instinct. I'll Haunt You, its beautiful, it makes me reflect on things, it reminds me of losing someone and will remind me of that forever. La Javanaise, its from The Shape of Water and I cannot understate the importance of that movie to me. Sons of the Silent Age, its a really good song. Scapegoat, more fuel to the misery fire and makes me think of how easily disposable I am. Televangelism, no words, only a feeling of unease. My Love Mine All Mine, I play this a lot around Stef, I play this a lot in general. Alexandra, more sadness, but also I like how the song is her feeling sorrow about missing her old self. American Teenager, good song. The Wedding Song, good song but also I generally make these projects with love in mind. Sometimes I feel like an angel crafting a miracle for the world to see. The Melting of the Sun, this song is about seeing something happen that was never thought to be possible. This is about certain status quos being torn down but this reminds me of losing someone I thought would be in my life forever. Truly Dreams, same idea as Stay Soft. The world sucks but you don't have to. Running, big, sloppy, banger. I Believe, fun, catchy. Horizon, a quick, intense interlude that could have been stuck anywhere. Holy, Holy, one of the best songs of 2024. Cry for Me, One of the best songs of 2024. Broken Man, the best song of 2024 and I also resonate with the music video. Halfway, interlude that really has no reason to be there this early. Sin Miedo, one of the best songs of 2024. It makes me want to swim in hot water. Red Flags, good 2024 song but I also like the idea of heading straight for danger with the full knowledge it will not work out and hurt you anyways. Perhaps the, "not work out" part was projection. What am I projecting? El Lugar Correcto, I like this song a lot but after adding it to nicole's mixtape it makes me physically ill to listen to it. Luckily, a live version came out that hurts less. The Reason They Hate Me, pure, unfiltered anger at its best. Dollar Days, a staple to all my playlists. This was a tough year and I play this song whenever I think about dying or death in general. Image, good 2024 song. Punk Rock Loser, I like the coolness that's exuded from a song about, well, a punk rock loser.
I'm conflicted. I think I have genuinely let Stef down. I mean, I know I only had ten days to work on it but this does not look like my best. This isn't even close to the best I can do. As usual, I will likely be nicer about it later but right now I can't help but feel dissappointed.
I put more pressure on myself for these projects because I will never stop believing my friend's deserve the best, especially the numero uno head-potato friend.