Just a few updates here and there.
I've noted how my self-harm urges have been relatively low but something did happen Saturday. My dad was grilling me over how the condition of the house is. Its always the usual things like how the kitchen is messy (I always rinse and clean my dishes after using them and properly dispose the waste and leave nothing out. My brother will let things pile up for weeks, he will leave trash or used utensils on the CLEAN DISH MAT AREA, and even when he does clean dishes, he never puts it away, thus limiting the space I have to clean.), the condition of the restroom (its hard to clean it because my brother leaves a bunch of his shit in there like a watch he doesn't use, a torch lighter, two drinking glasses that have been there for months now. The floor is coated with cleaner since he uses that to kill ants but he doesn't ever clean up after himself. The restroom trash is always bad because he overstuffs it with toilet paper. That's right. He doesn't flush toilet paper, he just lets it build up for months on end. And its hard to mop because the his towel hamper is loaded with towels that haven't been washed or folded in over two months.) and how the house is maintained (I am the only one who regularly sweeps, mops, takes out and puts a bag in the trash, put the cans out front, checks the mail, changes the a/c filter, cleans the pipes, and I do take care of the front. He literally blocks the bottom of his door with a towel or dirty laundry so ants can't come in because he keeps so much trash and dirty dishes in his room. And I mean actual trash. He has a trash can but he just lets it spill over. He has a desk but he also uses it as a trash can). Whenever he says its the both of you it absolutely triggers the fuck out of me to be compared to him in any capacity. While we were talking this urge to cut started to bubble again. When I'm knee deep in these conversations I cannot do breathing exercises or any other techniques to slow/stop these feelings. When we finished, I got very, very close to giving my arm a few hard scratches. Scratches heal the fastest and leave no scars. I did not do that but it used to be my go-to before using the knife.
While seeing Laufey, I finally finished my James Baldwin anthology covering his final 3 works. Fantastic stuff. I am better off for reading these.
After the canon event, I will take a minor break from writing to upgrade my site. Unless somthing disasterous happens in which case I will write like crazy. I really want to redo the writing section and break it off day by day as to make it easier to digest. From there I would like to add a small illustration to each one. Something like that. I'll likely keep writing in a seperate notebook and upload it in a future time but for now it seems I am winding down a bit.
I know I credit Stef for a lot of things but man, fantastic call on her end for introducing me to this site. There would be so much information that would have gone unrecorded and lost if I didn't know about this.
I suppose she's also to blame for me seeing Laufey last night since Suki Waterhouse was the opener, and I only went because I loved Suki Waterhouse's previous performance and wanted to see her again, and I only saw her the first time because of Stef's song suggestion on our way home from Sea World.
Its always fun when friends have these little ripple effects. While I don't care for nicole these days, I always get a little giggle when I see the walk sign at the crosswalk and think to myself, "the little white man." I got the shrimp platter effect idea from T.J, my work study teacher. He said once you see this video your whole life will change, and that it did. Lots of other people have started to notice it too ever since I told them. Thomas was the first person to get me truly interested in discovering and truly digging into new music. He's kind of a genius and one day he coded this algorithm to see how much crossover him, me and several other people had in common. Despite having a pool of 8-10 people, there was almost no overlap. Shocking stuff. Whenever I pop the question asking for a music rec, believe it or not, it has never overlapped. Mr. T introduced me to The Typing of the Dead which then introduced me to The House of the Dead series. I would be obsessed with it, forever. On some level, that game has rewired my sense of humor with how absurd it is.
Saturday has me nervous for several reasons. 100 days. Three months. Five days. 865 days. One week and one day. Its a lot to think about.