I already wrote a lot today so I will try to keep it brief. TRY
I really enjoyed myself at the Lorde concert. Please read about it in the concert notes section for more information. I wrote a lot apparently.
I did a lot of introspection going into this. I thought about something i read with AA. How there's a common misconception that moving to a new place will make things better and how realistically, you need to be okay with yourself first before moving anywhere else because your shadow will ALWAYS follow you. I think I have found that place.
The cannon event is next week. It doesn't feel like it but it is. It feels like a reward in a sense. All these months I've been trying to get better and I finally found it, and now this happens. Its all so nice.
I've been updating more of my concert notes section and its been interesting tracing my steps to, I wouldn't say tragedy, but these are not ideal moments. I've said this before but no one is responsible for my relapse except for me. Don't steal my hard work guys 😡😡😡. That said, it was interesting rereading pieces of Kaitlyn's graduation. I rememeber feeling absolutely horrible about myself going into it. I did my best to keep it together since I knew it was a big week for her and I wanted it to be special. I didn't want it to be plauged with her boat anchor of a friend dragging things down with their dumb problems. It worked for the most part. Her joy did become shared with my joy. Still, I felt so ugly and out of place in my body and being photographed made me want to cut off all my skin and hide under a blanket in shame. I felt so ashamed of these feelings because Kaitlyn is one of my best friends and I should be overjoyed with her graduating, and I was, but these feelings of joy had to share the same 1 bedroom apartment with the feeling of hate/self-loathing
I uploaded the page where me and Stef met up for the final time(As of writing this). I have not read over that page since I wrote it for reasons. Mostly fear. I read it today and its mostly incoherent. I mean, I understand it, but its straight gibberish to any outsider. Only one part is redacted and its nothing bad. Just the name of a coffee shop. Maybe one day I'll write about that day in detail but now is not the time.
Due to limited time and honestly, a little discomfort, I did not upload the Samantha Fish/Christone Kingfish page yet. That was the night before the relapse. Again, nobody's fault, but I couldn't reach Kaitlyn, Colorado friend was still taking their respective break, and I didn't want to bother Stef so I just sent a tepid request for a song. The song wouldn't have helped if I'm being honest. Since then I have a better system in place and a reinforced support web along with effective coping mechanisms. Even those breathing techniques I learned early on would have been able to change the outcome.
I can hardly believe how much has changed in a Summer.
Final note before I log off. I like the sprawl of the cut page and the concert notes page. I don't think I ever could have anticipated it becoming this extensive. I've considered breaking this up into smaller, and more digestable chunks. This should be easy for the concert notes but it may be more difficult for Cut since various episodes do not include dates. For each entry, I've also considered adding a doodle. We shall see in the future. Writing practice and doodle practice has made the process all the more easy. I am thankful for that.