(a lot of this will be, as the kids say, "reheated nachos," from my Super Project: Kaitlyn entry. A lot of the sentiments felt then are still felt now.) After reviewing this page and the progress I've made, I realized I forgot to write an entry about 06/25/25. I would say I'm over nicole ending our friendship. Not "basically," or "I think," it's definitively done. It still feels cringey/weird for me to say this but I am pretty proud with how I navigated it for the most part. Sometimes I'll read the final message I sent her and be shocked by how well written it is. Then there's the refund I gave for The Lemon Twigs concert. I didn't have to do that and she's not strapped for cash so I doubt she even cared about it. I also had the restraint to not crowbar myself back in her life. I have enough problems with my loser piece of shit brother doing that. I don't want to be that for other people. And that seems to be the end of that. I made sure the physical embodiement of embarassment was scrubbed from her life. Looking back on it, I think she handled things badly, badly in a way that pisses me off now. Am I difficult to talk to? Kind of, but not really. I know when to be serious and when to joke. She never attempted to reach out to me prior to clear things up regarding my spam insta page. She said she was made uncomfortable by what I wrote and to be honest, nothing I wrote was bad. Nothing! Literally nothing! I confess, I am guilty of caring about friendship too much and its rare that I will be friends with someone for years and the other person cares more. I'm the one that always has to initiate things, but its not even that much of a burden because again, I care. When I lamented our friendship withering, that was not a personal attack. I express that its me who feels sad about this. When the friendship got rekindled, I expressed how happy I was. Listen, if the number two person in your world starts to message you first after years of being silent, wouldn't that bring you joy? Am I crazy for giving this much of a fuck? But yeah, somehow this was interpreted as, "unhealthy." Fuck her for using that term without elaborating. That's now, more than ever, stuck out to me as gross and I hate that she did that. In high school, I would agree, I was way too dependent on her. I knew that and worked on myself because I actually give a fuck and if it means saving a friendship I care about, I was willing to change. After high school, things were at its healthiest. Its not like she's my only friend. I am just so annoyed, disgusted, mad that I let her into this personal part of my life and somehow that was her takeaway. I don't want to be her friend anymore. She has disgusted and pissed me off that badly over how that went. I gave her unwavering loyalty for a fucking decade and she couldn't even pull me to the side and talk things out? Did I mean that little to you? God, I'm getting so fucking pissed writing this. That's why I am going to redo all of her work and destroy all the nicole copies. I want her erased from my art history. I don't ever want people to associate her with my art again. If I'm that fucking worthless to her then fine, I will do her the honor of being gone from my art. While I'm at it, it was supremely fucking scummy of her to stay followed to my private account (that makes HER uncomfortable) for months until I personally had to peel her off. It hurt, it really fucking hurt the whole time. Why couldn't she just fucking erase me like she wanted to? What's her fucking problem? Also, its so fucking gross to me that she still has the birthday post up with the boar horn she drew me. The caption is unchanged too. UGH. I don't like her, I really don't.
That whole event was so stressful. While I didn't relapse, my mood was dragging in the black for weeks on end and self-harm and suicide were both within reach. When I'm at a heavy low point, doing things to hurt oneself and make one feel worse seems reasonable. I'm so thankful for Stef at that time because I know things would have been ten times worse without her. Like, there's genuinely nothing I can do to repay how much she did for me. I was going to do something pretty bad in Utah and its so bad I don't even want to type it out but thanks to her intervention, that was stopped. I know nicole's not responsible for how I take this but I still can't help but feel disdain for her after all this. She probably felt the same sense of relief one does after throwing up when she discarded me.
For a while, the event made it difficult to go to the Moody Amphitheater because everything from the walk there to the building made me think back to Mother Mother when I was messaging her but had no idea our friendship was over. The recent Ethel Cain concert proved those triggers are now disarmed. For a while, I couldn't listen to Cheekface. Anything Cheekface made me really sad which is a shame because it did bring me a lot of joy during art sessions or workouts or drives. I couldn't listen to the vinyl they signed and I couldn't look back on the photo I took with them. It all made me too sad. For a while, I had to blacklist anything I included in her mixtape. I not only felt sad but I felt disgusted that I let her in on some incredible music. My current insta is deactivated because she drew the profile picture. I used to love the picture. In the corner it reads, "thank you for being an artist-Renee," and it makes me want to vomit whenever I see it. I've been working hard on my latest project because I want that old picture gone forever. Like, this had a massive ripple effect. Even by the next Cheekface concert I felt my heart rate accelerate any time I saw someone that looked like her. I think, think her stef was at the concert and I broke into a bad nervous sweat and could not look back the entire time afterwards. I'm over it now and it feels so good to enjoy Cheekface again.
When I finish the super projects I'll message Mr. T again. I did send him a lengthy email around March and he has yet to reply. If there was any regret aside from the obvious one, that one has to be it.
To commemorate the event since, as a creative, I hate to waste pefectly good turmoil, I made a picture. I drew carl, her bird statue, in her kitchen. I left things vague but with an underlying feeling of stress. It was a cathartic vent piece.
I blissfully know nothing about her these days.
This post is mostly angry but if I ever see her again I'll likely just avoid her. She is not in any kind of danger near me lol. 👶
I think I'll see Kaitlyn today. There's this cool spooky bakery she's been sharing posts about for months and we never quite made a good time to go. I think today is the day. Kind of weird how I've had all of these free days with no concerts. Its kind of nice. It will change, but I'm enjoying my peace for now. Later this month I'll see Laufey. I'm not that into Laufey, however, I am into her opener. Who might that be? You guessed it! Suki Waterhouse. Last year I got a decent amount of footage but the audio is uniquely awful. This happened partially to Ginger/Amaiwana and Glass Beams (opened by nobody. We don't talk about them here.). The audio for Suki Waterhouse/Bully and Remi Wolf/Slim Dan are 100% ruined. Like, nothing can save it. I really enjoyed seeing Suki Waterhouse last time so I am more than ready to see her again and hopefully record her performing, "Good Looking."
Good Looking by Suki Waterhouse is on a list of songs I can only describe as, "it feels like 50 9/11's hitting my heart," and I have been binge listening to it a lot lately. Care by Hana Vu is a recent find that hurts in all the right ways. I have the recording up on my spam and I must have viewed it 20 times already. Chance by Angel Olsen is pretty high up there too. Lately, I've noticed my voice quiver more near the end. Like, I get devestated hearing it. Its the same line repeated but each time its delivered its like opening up a sad,new truth. LOVE IT! Nettles by Ethel Cain joins the list. Read the 8/26 entry for more info. I Can't Give Everything Away by David Bowie can really get to me sometimes. When me and my roommates were on molly, I remember singing a very, very sad rendition of it. Speaking of finality, Now and Then by The Beatles is also on that list. I originally didn't want to give it a chance due to its use of AI but after Stef requested I play it during the Sea World trip. It quickly became a favorite. Music is fun!