Head pounding, but not in a sexy way. Once I was on a floating noodle as a kid and the noodle floated to the far deep end of the pool and any movement would ensue drowning. Somehow I am back to that mental pool thanks to alcohol. I also messaged a bunch of people last night. Maybe its a skill issue but I find myself being relentlessly nice while intoxicated. It does feel nice to let people who I've been meaning to tell that I care about them that, you know, I care. Bre/Ren was high up on that list because for a bit it seemed like she wouldn't make it.
I like alcohol but I can't imagine doing this daily, even weekly. When I was preparing for project Sunset Man, I wanted my body to be a blank slate for these substances so I've grown too accustomed to never using anything. I suppose its a blessing. Rats. I also prefer to drink with company. I can drink alone but being drunk with friends is soooo much funner (MOST OF THE TIME👹). The alcohol was occupying a lot of fridge space so its nice to have room for more important things, like vegan mayo and energy drinks! 🐂
Due to the rain, I opted to draw at the park instead, and that was also nice. I made two self-portraits. One was nice and one was also nice but funny. There was an old dude running. He wasn't going fast, but he was going.
My mom's approaching the age grandma was when she died. Grandma had cancer so its not totally crazy to catch up with her this early. Still, grandma was always busy doing stuff. My mom has become a hermit more or less. This is adversely affecting her but she claims she prefers it. She's trying to take her health more seriously for weight reasons but she's impatient and not willing to make the changes necessary to make a breakthrough. There's probably a lesson here, somewhere. Grandpa was always busy tambien. No one really visted him despite all of my extended family living in the same town. That always pissed me off. I did see him often. That's about as much as I can type about him for now. I'm at work and I'll be damned if someone sees me cry.
WWE's final peacock obligated ppv aired on Sunday. It was very okay. France loves AJ Styles, AJ Styles hasn't had a ppv match in a hot second so wwe being the masters of capitalizing on opportunity elected to NOT book him on the show. Stupid, but not unexpected. He was on the following night and the crowd would not stop moving and singing for him. They went to commercial break and when they returned the crowd was still, loudly, cheering him. John Cena fought Logan Paul and it was, hmm, it was good but no thanks to Logan. Logan is what people in the buisness refer to as a "spot monkey." Basically, Logan can pull really impressive, super atheletic moves, but the timing and psychology to it is not present, thus making it not that impressive. At worst, his moves look robotic and choreographed. Nikki Bella has found a new and innovative way to suck that hasn't been seen before and godwilling, will not be seen again. Roman had a good match but was written off tv via 350 pound man jumping on him from the top rope four times. This is Roman's fifth match of the year. How much time off does he need? Is he expecting? Lately, it feels like wwe isn't even trying to have a good show. I know they're saving their good stuff for Wrestlepalooza in late September but that's still no excuse for bad, boring booking.
Thoughts of self-harm are at an all time low. My knife is really dull so I finally went out to buy some new blades since besides my skin, I utilize this for work frequently. The thoughts of using it on myself were not present on the drive there, while I walked to the area, while I was annoyed that some stupid lady would bring their stupid dog to the store, while I was checking out, and while I was driving home. I feel silly typing out that I'm proud of myself, but I kind of am. I don't think I even had a suicidal thought last month to tell you the truth. I have already planned out my suicide like, ten times over and the idea kind of bores me tbh. Project Sunset Man is the obvious choice. I feel like running until my body ceases would feel really good. Over-caffinating my heart and going on several rollercoasters was also in my pamplet. I've only been on like, two/three rollercoasters ever and I'm a massive pussy. 6 red bulls and the Steel Eel and my heart would launch out my chest and smash through the window of a white owned business. There's a pufferfish dish prepared in Japan that'll basically kill you if prepared wrong. Do you think they would oblige my request to have it made wrong on purpose? Is that a thing? Major Spoiler for Community between the caution emojis⚠️⚠️⚠️ One of my favorite members of community basically dies because he jerks himself off to death and like, is that a real thing? Is death by goonicide achievable? ⚠️⚠️ Maybe I can just do russian roulette with autoerotic asphyxiation. Wait, what if I get so good at it that I have to keep putting a plastic bag over my head forever. What if the euphoria from that cures me? What if I become addicted to it? It basically has the same kill rate as fentanyl. I am getting quite off track aren't I? Well, what I'm trying to say is I feel good, okay, above baseline. I cannot wait for September 26th.
If there is one gripe I have, because there's always one, I wish I was more productive on the art making side. Its not to say that I haven't been, but a lot of the stuff I make isn't really shareable. I want to make cool stuff again. And I will!!!!
I have found myself enjoying writing a lot and oversharing. Its also a nice practice that keeps my head clear. I think, going forward, I may start a new page to write things as they happen, and that will be its purpose. This page has been so important to me to document my recovery but I think its purpose has been served for now. I hope the next page has better formatting. That being said, there will be a time, in the future, when this page will either disappear or be locked behind a code. There's nothing here I'm ashamed of, not the cutting, losing my close friends, the parts where I'm eerily okay with self-harm/suicide, the embarassing failed attempts at getting better, the fact that I cried while driving because I felt ugly in my own body, the abundance of slurs used to descirbe how I felt about myself, or being like, cured almost to a ridiculously easy degree just because I went to therapy. None of that I'm ashamed of and if you ask me about it I would be happy to talk about the italian sandwich with fire roasted peppers. Its impossible for randos to hurt me with this information. I'm like a yu-gi-oh field spell where only people close to me can inflict damage on my life points (I used to play Chronomaly decks back in the day. I loved the ancient theme but I also I had the hugest crush on III from Yu-Gi-Oh Zexal way back in middle school/early high school). Anyways, sometimes I want to be selfish and hoard the information to myself. I know I'm not a hot commodity or anything, but I've always liked the idea of everything being temporary. I loathe the idea too, but we're being positive today, guys. Put on a smile! *pulls out a gun* LET ME SEE YOUR PEARLY WHITES!!!