I had quite the relaxing weekend. I mostly spent it doing chores, but who doesn't like a clean space? I certainly feel better.
I got to see Kaitlyn's new place. I like it. She has quite a bit of unpacking to do now and that's not something I can help with. Ruby was super freaked out at first and would not come out the closet. Silly gato.
I don't think I will finish this book since its past due, but I started to look into a book called, Multiculturalism, by Ali Rattansi. Its part of a series of books called, A Very Short Introduction, that discusses various subjects in a dense yet concise way. Believe it or not, I care a lot about social issues. When I can, I like to keep myself informed and I always want to know more. I've always told my friends that a big part of debate is for one to be able to articulate their point. Being right has nothing to do with anything. I mean, just look around our political climate for more information. Anyways, the book intrigues me so far. I skipped ahead to the middle and found an interesting part talking about other people intergrating into the british culture or having this expectation to intergrate(the book is focused on europe which takes getting used to since america has always been the deafult for conflict). The book asks what exactly does it mean to intergate and to what british values specifically between their alcoholism, obesity, xenophobia, etc. And what even is this, "national identity," that they speak of? I barely started reading that but I am curious to see more. IDK. I just love learning.
As a general rule for arguing/debate, I will never get into it on a subject I don't know. I'll ask questions, but I won't make a strong statement one way or another.
Armadillos are a major reason why I really don't care that much about animals and weirdly enough, an armadillo has me now questioning how cold blooded I actually am towards animals. I've been doing various doodles expressing my thoughts. Maybe I'll post it someday. There's a lot of introspection to be had regarding the use of animal products. Speaking of armadillos
Kaitlyn has encouraged me to post my gratitude journal on twitter. I think I'll start doing that now. I already post it on bluesky but one more wouldn't hurt. My main twitter is mostly quiet with drawings, duolingo updates, and that's it really. I do have a spam account too but its, oh man its a whole different life with that one. Alongside the gratitude journal, I will also post the misery index which is documenting every bad thing that happened to me regardless of severity (when I relapsed I did make a piece to commemorate it. It's funny and has just enough context clues to figure it out without me saying what it's about). Oh right. I drew an Armadillo being strangled by another armadillo while the first one is getting its dick sucked by a dick sucking robot. I am proud of it and I swear there's context.
Behind me at work is the 2024 calander documenting all the concerts I went to and wow, it's stressful. I've talked about it before but the Mxmtoon concert did the most for me when it came to assisting my overall mental stability. Also wild how I had Mitski one week and Faye Webster the following week. I mean, god damn. I went to see Monday Night Raw before going to Utah to see St. Vincent and Eartheater (her performance of Crushing nearly had me in tears). I was dancing with some lady until 2am for Zack Fox and went to see Suki Waterhouse the next day (technically night). The Mother Mother one is forever tainted by the events that would proceed it. I distincally remember the opener grabbing a rubber duck and naming it carl. I was so excited, I told nicole since she has a bird statue named Carl. She didn't respond but that's not unusual of her so I thought nothing of it. Two days later our eleven year long friendship ended.
I never told Stef because I didn't want to ruin the St. Vincent concert but that day, that's all I was thinking about. I hate that these memories triggered me that day like that. This doesn't even happen every time, just that day. I just know I left a sour impression on Timmy. My head was doing that thing where it was attacking me and making me think, "DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING RUIN THIS FOR THEM. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! KEEP IT TO YOURSELF YOU STUPID FUCKING FAGGOT! I HOPE YOU REMEMBER THE PAIN! YOU DESERVE TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN AND AGAIN! DON'T YOU DARE LET GO!!" You know, stuff like that. I remember being tired and stressed that day because I was so desperate to make things perfect for her. I've been working on attacks like that. As much as I would like to write, "since," it only happened after I sought out a therapist. In the St. Vincent part of my, "Concert Notes," I had to redact most of it due to how overly harsh it is. I will reveal it next year but without context it looks insane.
I'm kind of venting here, but I don't feel bad or in a spiral as I'm (sigh) unpacking this. I'm being a bit wary here since earlier in the year I was at a high point which didn't last. Of course that happened because I didn't take care of myself the way I needed to and the issue with my image spiraled out of control. I feel much better about myself these days despite the fact I'm still not *there. I also feel more in-control when these moments start to bubble up.
I am so lucky to have Kaitlyn, Colorado friend, the Kick John Mayer in the Nuts Club, old friend, Ryan, Tiffany and a few other people still in my corner. But I must finish the job! I don't want to let them down one more time!!!!