Short post. Maybe. For starters Hulk Hogan has died. I have mixed feelings about it but I must document this. Friday Night Smackdown took place in the Moody Center early in the year. Creo que se occurio en enero. Anyways, un aviso de Hulk Hogan para su cerveza, "Real American Beer," muestra. Naturalmente, yo empezo a gritar, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU SUCK!" Al principio, yo fue al solo persona que quien estuvo "booooing." Then, more people joined in, a mi papa no lo hizo pero el no le gusta Hulk Hogan tampoco. Eventually, the whole arena started booing and I think they had to abruptly cut the ad early. El aviso no regreso esta noche. El noche siguente fue "Saturday Night Main Event," en San Antonio, Texas. Orignially, Hogan was set to appear but he bailed last minute to, "attend a wedding." Everyone knew that was a load of barnacles and knew this was due to increasing crowd hostiity towards him (I implore you to watch the 01/06/25 episode of Monday Night Raw on netflix and see how much the crowd boos him on his final appearance). Anyways, that's all I have to say about that. Well, that and the fact that he died on the decade anniversary of his racist tape leaking. Generational worker that man is, well, was. 😈🙉🙉🙊
Earlier I wrote about how and why I am writing more. It helps me remember more, review my progress, and gives me a general idea of where my mental state is and more importantly, where it has been. As I've been writing more, I've also reviewed more of my previous entries. The idea of self-compassion isn't a new one, but I could tell in my previous writings the very idea of it, let alone practice, made me super uncomfortable. I didn't write this down but the feeling of being nice to myself filled me so much disgust, I would triple the amount of contempt/hatred towards myself to even it out. As I'm writing this, I'm seeing fully how unhealthy that was, but I genuinely could not do it back then. My therapist has helped me greatly with reframing and asking questions to help guide me toward that place. Don't get me wrong, showing compassion towards myself can still be difficult. However, I have gotten way better about not undoing my work with the usual set of verbal jabs.
Expanded on verbal jabs, I am being a little more careful about my language lately. Is this a safe place? Okay, cool. There are certain words I think should be saved/stored up and used for extra punch, effect, emphasis, etc. But these words need to be used thoughtfully and carefully and not for cheap pops. A lot of people don't get that and have slowly normalized bringing these words back into the social vernacular and I'm not a fan of that. Like, I promise you there's nothing you can wear that warrants one to describe it as, "fucking retarded." I can be super funny, especially when I'm being mean or critical, and I feel I have a big responsibility to not give people the green light to say these words freely. Its not like I want the words gone for good, but also they can be needlessly hurtful and I can't say I'm a fan of that. I feel Jon Bois said it best in his video, THE DUMBEST BOY ALIVE, PRETTY GOOD, EPISODE SIX, "I don't like that word, I'm not gonna use it. The word hurts people and if you think otherwise you should ask around." Jon is a pretty cool dude and I love his analysis and number crunching on certain subjects. People likely wouldn't have cared if he used the word, but I thought it was powerful that he chose not to and thoughtfully explained to his audience the issue with it. Its all a practice and I would prefer to avoid sowing bad habits if possible.
When reviewing more of my writings, I have to say, I am a little shocked at my capacity of hatred towards myself. My therapist asked if I would ever say any of this to my friends and that's the crazier part. Obviously, I wouldn't and I have never said anything that hurtful to anyone, ever. Not even to people that deserve it. So it makes less sense why I would say that to myself. I mean, I understand why, but that may need to be phased out. So nuts how this is all an active process and I can't just passively not hate myself. For what it's worth, I feel it working.