It appears that Ryan is the winner here. Before I talk about that, I would like to discuss a few interesting occurances that happened over the weekend.
A bit of a technical issue happened and the zine could not be distributed. SIgh. I had to revise it last minute and I did not have enough time. If it's not funny then I don't want it😡
Since I've been regularly working out again, things have started to fit better. For AEW All In I prepared a special outfit. Nothing all too crazy but I finally wore the flame leggings mentioned in the journal entry from 4/30/25, the one where I cry in my car over how ugly I felt in my body. When I had the outfit together, I actually felt pretty for the first time in, geez I don't know. I felt that way the whole day too. I felt so good I took a fun photo outside Globe Life Field and posted it. No memes, little fluff. I think this may be the only time I've posted a picture of myself with me as the focus but damnit I felt good!!! Not to be dramatic but in the back of my head I thought, "I better post this because if I die in a car accident people will lose the chance to witness this forever!"
On my drive home I called Colorodo friend to tell them about it. I was so overjoyed with this feeling of euphoria that I had to tell someone. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Its nice to talk to them and be open. Maybe its just me but I feel like we've been nicer or, lord forgive me for typing this out, more compassionate towards each other. And it feels wonderful!
While we were waiting in line, along with after the concert and at the Denny's with Cereza, Ryan took several photos of me. Some with my direction and some from his own eye. I don't know how he does it but he nailed it. I actually love how weird, unsettling, intense, funny I looked in those pictures. I want to draw these!!! I must I must!!!! The unhinged Denny's one is so good!!!!!!
With the help of Ryan, I have the tools to start my self-portrait and likely super project. I will call it Red Tape. I'll have a single, aggressive red stripe go down my body and I will be wrapped in gentle blue lines. I know what it means and if I do it right, so will the viewer.
I have to write about this because it's so funny to me but also, while in line waiting for merch, me and Ryan spotted these beautiful, just stunning, pretty, shiny, warm, GLISTENING chicken sandwiches on display. No pedestal could be high enough for these sandwiches for no one was worthy to witness their flavor. What kind of flavor could they have? According to the sign, the sandwiches had "Shaq-sized flavor." Yes, as in Shaquelle O' Neal. Can you even comprehened just how much flavor could be in a sandwich that was "Shaq-sized?" How was everyone not sobbing at the presence of such goodness?
I don't want to moan about this point forever, but I am still stressed out that my friendship with Stef may be over. It feels eerily similar to last year with how sudden it happened and with how little I actually know what caused it. I have ideas, but nothing concrete comes to mind. I don't want to assume her thoughts or intentions. I don't know that, I can't know that. Only she can express that. My brain likes to fill in information, usually incorrect and with as much bad faith as possible, when it lacks answers. Stef is my best friend and I won't do that to her. Still, insta has shown me things in my feed I would have been better off not seeing. Things that have no wiggle room for interpretation. Maybe this was the whole unhealthy, obsessive thing nicole meant. Maybe I am really no good for these people. NO NO NO I CAN'T THINK THAT WAY!
To take my mind off things I've been working on more projects. A lot of them can't be shared in full so I have kept a LOT of material to myself. "George Clanton Ate My Son," will be a physical exclusive! I want that to only be shared by people who are not me! I may post a snippet but never in full! There's the aforementioned super project. Due to my self-deprecating nature, my self-portraits have often been the weakest of the line up but this will change! TE CREO "Cinta Roja!" Kaitlyn's is almost planned out. I have a pitch in mind. She's very flexible for poses and modeling but there needs to be an actual vision. It will be asking the bold question, "what's next?" Stef's is still developing. Last year was fine but damnit she deserves better than fine.
Therapy is later this week. I think I will reduce it to once a month starting in August. It seems to be working and I have also put in a lot of effort to help my mental well being. A bit of its questionable but I made sure to try everything I was told before dismissing anything. I really wish I didn't hurt myself,and to an extension my friends, in order for this to happen. On the bright end, the people I won't shut the fuck up to when I talk about the progress all seem to be throughly happy and excited for me. IDK. This is a weird time in my life.
(note: I have been actively avoiding writing out things like, "having an ugly/disgusting/fat body," or anything that's outwardly mean. I know this sounds super obvious but I remember my therapist asked me if I would speak to my friends that way and the answer is a strong no. So I'm trying to be less mean. I will be as honest as I need to be, but I think that's possible without having to digitally self-harm too, if that makes sense. Its a practice. Its all one big practice, and the more I do, the more I remember. Some days, being nice to myself can be as easy as breathing.