Yesterday I had another therapy appointment. I got a new breathing technique and a new, idea? Concept? Mindfullness thing? Its hard to really say what it is, but it looks like it may be able to help me. I write down the essentials from the sessions and make sure to practice it a lot. It seems to be working, but I want it to work more and better! Luckily, this stuff is easy to incorporate into a practice. I also expressed worry over potentially losing my best friend. If it is over, there's really no forcing things into place. Self-care is all I can do for now. Still, I can't help but feel terrified over her being gone from my life. I would continue to make art, I would still continue my pursuit for tattooing, I would still write funny stuff and hopefully make a comic someday, all of that doesn't end with her. But man, I would feel so, so, so, so sad about no longer being able to share that with her. (as I'm typing this out I can feel tears building up. I hope they don't release because once they start they don't stop and I would be mighty embarassed to be seen like that. I have never cried at work, EVER!)
Tomorrow is Kaitlyn's birthday. I'm going to focus on finishing her gift. I haven't seen Kaitlyn in weeks and I really miss her. We text all the time but that's not quite the same. I also miss Ruby and Remi, her cats. Lately she's been really busy.
Me and Nate from the Kick John Mayer in the Nuts club have been in touch a lot. I'm so grateful to have someone to talk to about music, dumb music, silly incidents, music videos, Poppy, and just work in general.
Earlier in the week I had a bit of a freakout so I called an old friend from Colorado. They have been so helpful to me while I've been getting help and its so weird that now there's a part of my life where I'm actively talking about getting better and going to therapy. Normally I would feel embarassed but with them in particular, I haven't felt shame or judgement with them. As for the freakout, they helped me reach a stable headspace. I will admit, I did sob when they told me, "don't worry, even if it doesn't workout I'll still be your friend." If you told me last year that this would be our friendship dynamic I would call you a bitch and a hoe. (iykyk)
Expanded on that, I did get to see Colorado friend briefly last month. Our meetup had quite the rejuvenating effect. As usual, we walked and talked on our secret path. Eventually, we arrived to a field and decided to lay together and talk more while watching the stars. I cherish our moments where we catch up. They're almost at a place where they can start dating again. They deserve to be happy, I hope they find someone. Sometimes I wish I could be that someone. They've made substantial progress since last year, it's miraculous to see the person they've become before my eyes. Their fingers always lightly tap mine whenever we hold hands and talk about memories. I don't think they're consciously aware that they do that. I want to believe that because that reality is more adorable. They really want to see me get better. I hate that I let them and many others down for so many years by not taking my mental health more seriously. That will change, it's already changing. When we returned to their place, we drank cold, blue powerades on the couch in silence. Without looking, I could feel them smiling. It was as if their joy was radiating like a heat lamp. They were the happiest they had been in a while, and so was I. Our fingers were now intertwined and my thumb was gently rubbing their hand. I am conscious that I do that and why I do that, and its because I feel happy and safe with them. Year two of no longer being a couple is on the horizon, but our chemistry seems to be eternal. Eventually, I had to leave their place to go to work. I told them I loved them and promised I would get better. So far, as I'm writing this, it looks like the promise is being kept.
I haven't been to a concert in weeks. That changes on the 13th. I'll be meeting up with the same friend who had the birthday on June 1st. He's the same one who went with me to Allie X when I couldn't get anyone else to go. It should be fun. I kind of wish he would drive so I could get drunk but logistically, it would be more beneficial if I drove. I could totally presssure him with the fact that I bought the tickets but I don't want to be like that to him, or in general.
Last time I cut myself, the blade was dull. The damage was not to my satisfactiion. I don't want to continue but also I am annoyed at how "incomplete/unfinished," it feels. I really want to go to Home Depot, buy a replacement blade, and finish it and then stop. That idea, of course, is ridiculous and I will try to the best of my ability not to do that. I do have replacement blades at the house, but I can't find them. After the last relapse, I'm not sure whether its better to be honest with people and let them know where I'm at or if I should keep it to myself. I think I will keep it to myself unless someone explicitly asks.