Last friday I went to get my tire patched after work since a screw had penetrated it. While I was outside the Discount Tire, I handed my keys to the charming employee and I heard cheers from the garage. Ocean Man was playing. The corners of my eyes dampened and I remembered how much I missed my best friend. She needs alone time so I haven't contacted her. I hope she's doing okay, whatever it is she's doing.
I have been reviewing my therapy notes and have been trying to practice it, basically whenever. Its been working, kind of. I just have to keep practicing. Lately, I've bumped my usual 5 miles to 7 miles. Its crazy how I much better I feel practicing the technique while running. Its lowkey addictive. I also saw a few coyotes and deer during my run. I passed the vibe check and they just watched me.
Therapy costs 100 a session. Not loving the price, and that's with insurance.
This is just a bandaid though. I still need to fix my repulsive body. While the voices are getting quieter and while I am working more on art and other various forms of expression as a sort of release, it will be all for not if I can't get my disgusting body under control.
I've been writing more in my concert journal section and I noticed, now that I'm reading and typing out all my past thoughts, how much I fear being perceived. This is specifically about nicole but it also applies to any friends of her that saw me at that embarrassing lowpoint on that fateful night. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I don't know what would be so bad about it. If they don't like me or hate me, I think they would just move on. None of them strike me as confrontational unless I actually hurt nicole (Carter and J.D have that dog in them if that was the case). I don't have any negative feelings towards them, if anything, they all seemed really nice. I don't know why I assumed they would be mean catching me in public. For the record, in the balcony area of the Mohawk, I did spot J.D during the George Clanton concert. He likely saw Snort's barbaric demise. Life has a weird sense of humor sometimes.
While it is true, I feel like the biggest tool on the planet when I use the phrase, "I'm working on myself." But I have, and its frightening to think it may actually work this time.