note: this is from partially from my journal I keep at work
05/30/25 Introspection time. In theory, self-harm seems pretty contained as it would only harm the person involved. In a vacuum, that's true. However, we do not live in a vacuum, socially speaking. On one level, its hurtful to see me self-deprecate and self-harm like this. On another level, its annoying. Its almost like I'm not even trying to get better, and to be honest, that's partially true. I have not taken care of myself, my body, and my mind the way I should have in order to get better. Its almost like I've been on auto-pilot. Not even auto-pilot., more like cruise control. And cruise control is great but without constant control and attention, a crash is bound to happen. Metaphorically, it did happen. I really don't see it as that big of a deal when I get hurt, but my friends do, and I think one of the worst things I've done to them consistently was show a lack of respect and care for myself. Its like I'm hurting their friend. If someone hurts my friend I immediately want to give them a knuckle sandwich with rings and a side of banana pudding (if you know you know). My friends aren't crazy like me, but I imagine it is tiring seeing me in this constant battle with myself where, again, I am going in like Muhammad Ali in "Ali v. Holmes." (if you know you know)
I think I've had all I can take of this too. If I can't fix my stupid body, my stupid brain, my stupid soul, I deserve to lose all my friends. I know I've written before about how they deserve better, and they do, perpetually, because I love them.
On Tuesday I called someone after experiencing panic attacks and overall tension to a scenario in my head that hasn't happened yet. I wasn't supposed to be in contact with this person but they were fine with it. A while back this person told me, "you're going to be sick longer than your friends have the patience for," and that has always stuck in my head and scared me and honestly hurt. They have since apologized over it and have worked to amend their actions. That said, I had to ask them what they meant by that. I mean, I have an idea, but I feel I needed to hear it from them. They explained first and foremost how that statement came out of anger and was specifically made to hurt me and they genuinelly don't mean it anymore and doesn't want me to still feel pain from it. They then proceeded to try to process what they meant by that when they said it. The main idea, and I'm paraphrasing here, am I using that word right, is that they get the feeling that I'm not actually trying, at least, as of late. They expressed that it's frustrating to see someone they love and care about have these issues, know about these issues, but are not doing what they need to do to resolve these issues. They made sure to specify that they did know I was making progress and was getting better, but there would be certain stretches where I wouldn't do enough or at worse be okay with certain things. They used to be super stressed out about the whole, "me wanting to commit suicide," thing but never brought it up since it was a nowhere conversation that left them sad and me indifferent (I previously viewed suicide as a morally neutral thing that only hurt me. In a vaccuum, yes, irl, no). It stung a little, but I get it. Especially these past few months. I've been busy with work, too busy and too invested. Lots of days I get too sleepy when I come home and I crash. I haven't been making a lot of art, writing, learning, coding, I barely have done much in general. While I have gotten better in a lot of respects, I haven't nearly practiced and maintained myself like I should. Was that self-harming incident entirely preventable? Yes if we're being candid. I feel like a moron for letting that happen. During the call they also mentioned that a lot of what I see as utterly frustrating with my brother, I seem to have fallen into myself. If I was calling someone I had less of a close relationship with, that would have warrented an instant hangup, but this was shockingly true. It made me want to vomit but that would not make it false. We talked more, and developed a small plan to keep me on track.
On Wednesday I hung out with an old friend at this bar/diner/game place. We had a good time but when I briefly mentioned my sunset playlist I had for recording all my favorite music he got mildly annoyed. Anything coded as "sunset" basically means preperation for dying and while he's not good with emotions, he has expressed as much that he would rather that not happen in the past. He's also had a friend commit suicide which adds another layer to this. I haven't told him about the relapse. I won't bring it up anymore to anyone unless they ask. I want him to maintain this happy vision that I'm getting better but I will also in part try to get better.
This week I sent out several emails and embarassing phone calls to any therapy place I could. The constant rejection the first go around made me feel like a worthless idiot that didn't deserve any help and I was worried this would be the case as well. Not so. My consultation to feel out what to do with me is on 6/3. I hope its inexpensive and I hope it works. But in the meantime I will try to focus on myself more.