Lorde at last. Ngl, my brain processed Lorde and Lana Del Ray as the same person for a long time.
Wearing my trusty white Misawa shirt and green pants. I'm going for that Peter Griffin fit heh heh.
Snort has joined me today. He perfectly sat on my head the whole walk.
While walking, I thought about that bush I threw my nail polish in that I got from the Voltaire concert with the Kick John Mayer in the Nuts club. I saw Stef on the drive to the Voltaire show but I thought better than to honk. There are no friendly honks in this cold world.
Weird how layered a single, unused bottle of nail polish can be. I don't know a lot about Timmy but their character must be quite upstanding to help me search for the bottle. I wonder if its still there.
I like nail polish. It makes me feel pretty. Sometimes it even makes me feel beautiful. The same with makeup and tights and dresses. Maybe deep down I'm crazy, or a massive pervert, or something else. I struggle with feeling ugly all the time so you better believe I will hold onto something that makes me feel beautiful for dear life.
I've been thinking about songs, songwriting and specifically bad song. I'm super judgemental. I make an effort not to hurt people but deep down I find myself doing it a lot. It's nuanced so its fine. I think its great for helping people I care about. I've come to notice that as I myself have recently joined that list of people I care about.
Anyways. Music. Years ago, I had a creative writing class and we had a guy in our class who really loved jesus. I cannot remember his actual name but I remember what I called him in mu head and to other people. His name was Jesus Boner. I know, I know, that's super mean. That said, I am cackling as I am writing this down. Snort is snorting! Come on, its kind of funny.
Anyways , I remember he wrote a song that went along the lines of, "Jesus, your heart is shaped like a sphere." Essentially, its about his love for jesus. Jesus, who is divine and perfect, is compared to a sphere which is devoid of any edges in its own right. I did not like the song. I revised his paper and the feedback I gave was different ways to express his love for jesus and different, more unique ways to depict him. IDK. Love, to me, or an object I love, cannot be reduced to a sphere.
Love itself is kind of abstract. There's so many ways to write about it, it makes one's head spin.
Laura Marling's 2024 album, "Patterns in Repeat," is all about love. Specifically, a mom loving her child. She's new to this parenting thing but she has quite mastered giving her child the tender loving care it deserves.
Earlier this year, I told someone I loved them. I did it several times in succession, then a quick one, one in the morning, and one when we departed. But this love wasn't a one-way street. It was reciprocal. I also felt loved. I felt wrapped, held, lit up, reborn, in this other person's love. And I mutually loved this person.
I think about the love I have for Kaitlyn. I care about her. I feel so fortunate that she's in my life and she's willing to share so much of her own to me. I'm not an embarrassment or a liability or a cheap prop to dispose of when no longer useful. We're friends. It feels normal to say I love you. Its as natural as breathing.
I think about the love I used to have for renee. It was one-sided, it was rarely reciprocated, but I was just happy to have a best friend. I don't know if any of it was ever real. If it was, that makes her ending our friendship all the more tragic. The love eventually turned into a deep, shallow cut. Life was difficult in its absence. Then into a hot, acidic anger. Thinking of her hurts, but it doesn't feel like love anymore. It's almost at hatred, but I don't want to be a monster. I shouldn't be that way.
If things are really over between me and Stef, my worst fear is that my love for her would turn into anger and resentment like it did with nicole.
I don't forsee that happening, but I also didn't forsee Utah repairing one of my dead relationships. I didn't forsee Kaitlyn, a person I blocked and didn't want anything to do with, to be in my top 3 most important friends. I didn't forsee myself getting plastered at nicole's party and embarrassing her to the point where she doesn't want to ever see me again. There's really no telling what will happen in the future. One could hope for the best, but, not to be a bitch, doesn't everyone already do that?
I hope Jesus Boner found love and continues making jesus music. He clearly had a passion for it. Now he just has to finish the job.
God, Chanel Beads are so good. I'm glad I bought their shirt.
The Japanese House had lowkey lazy designs so I passed on it.
The girl in front of me is watching tiktok brainrot the entire time. I did laugh at the post that read, "name 3 charlie kirk songs."
Gay dude with magenta hair is super talktaive with these girls. I wish I could join in but I am shy and honestly, he's kind of cute in a way that makes my throat close up. Ugh. I'm 26. I shouldn't be like this.
I love The Japanese House's performance.
This lady next to me has a nice perfume. IDK why but the scent makes me feel safe.
It was dim earlier so I could only read two pages. The subject was happiness. Arthur's happiness. He was in an abundance of it when he was with Jimmy. Sometimes, he still longs for Crunch, but deep down he knows he will never come back. Its not that Crunch doesn't love him. Sometimes things happen and its no ones fault. Arthur at this time is happy waiting for breakfast from someone who loves him and he very much loves back.
I read my first James Baldwin book because of the creative writing class. One day we were asked how we would nuture this ability going forward. Writing, learning, and reading, that's how. I did plenty of the first two but not a lot of the last. My english teacher from senior year loved James Baldwin and requested I draw him. I did, because everyone gets one. So I decided to check out Giovanni's Room. That book changed my life. The book made me feel seen, for better or worse. Its better. I'm just being melodramatic. The book was a pride month read and it was tough finding compelling media with lgbtq themes, That book was very compelling.
I felt bad earlier today over something small and insignificant. On the walk here, I asked myself if it would still hurt a month from now. As it stands, I don't think it will stick by tomorrow.
A lovely time was had.