You know that weird thing where siblings don't like each other but kind of like each other growing up but as adults they become friends? This is not one of those relationships
Norman Jr. Cr1stian M3jia is the name of my brother. He resents the name Norman and especially Norman Jr given it reminds him of dad, who he hates for reasons that range from stupid to fiction. He is my only sibling. I could have had a younger sister at one point but given that my mom had me at 40, the poor thing didn't bake in the oven and that was that. I'd like to think I would have been a better brother than him, but its a fools errand to get caught up on hypotheticals like that. I don't love him, like him, or hold him in any high regard. Things didn't used to be like this.
Growing up, he was always rebellious and angry. He made my mom cry a lot and would say the worst things to her. He always got into screaming fights with my dad. Around 2010 or so, my dad didn't yell back anymore,but before that time he always did. The picture frames would shake in fear. Once I was alone in the house and tried to see how loud I could be. The frames shook at the same frquency. These scream fights would happen several times a year and for a time, at least once a month. I remember crying in my room once when he ruined my dad's birthday. My dad comforted me,let me know things were okay and that he loved me. Depending on proximity and intensity, my dad would always check on me. My brother almost died taking that weird k12 drug thing. I wasn't that concerned as a kid. My brother used to be one of those people that aggressivly advocated for marijuana legalization to people who didn't want to hear it and people that had no influence on whether it could change or not. My dad is pretty straight so especially did not care for anything close to alcohol, drugs, swearing, explicit stuff. I could not say for sure if my brother actually liked what my dad disliked or if he did it just to spite him. He was always pressing my mom's buttons. I know the sounds of her crying and shrieks all too well. To my horror, on my grandpa's birthday after he passed, I noticed how similar we sounded. I can't tell her this, ever. Running out of options, they made my brother join Bedichek Middle School's Junior Marine program. He resented the idea initially but actually became very good at it. The conditioning actually, for the first time, made him stop being the fat kid.
I used to write a lot in my diary. It was a small, blue book with puppies on the front. I loved my diary. Sometimes I read it back and the bitterness from past expriences have aged into something truly funny. All of the entires were personal and not meant to be shared. I stopped writing in it around the same time I knew he would read it and hurt me with the information.
Whenever I'm in the hospital or in some dubious situation, he always gets emotional and says "I love you," a lot. As a kid, I never believed him. I couldn't believe words like that from someone who's actions are incongruous.
I used to play video games with him all the time. By default he was better in most instances. I wanted to be better but as a beansprout, I never knew how. Naturally, as the older one, he knew more and was better at everything. I wonder when that role reverersed.
I used to be really lonely. Having a home really far away with the more affleunt kids made it hard to have friends. I didn't have much in the way of social media so he was all I had. I remember being so alone that I had to pay him money just to spend thirty minutes with me. My parents got mad when they found out and got me a refund. It really hurt me when he said I ruin everything and make every game lame. For my birthday, in senior year, I just wanted to watch a movie with him. I had to bug him for over four months just to have him fully watch a movie. My dad always told me "why would you want to hang out with someone that treats you like trash?" One day, it clicked.
In ninth grade, on our way back from school, he got in a bad argument with my mom in the car. She swatted his arm and he proceeded to punch her several times. I blamed myself for a long time. This was probably one of the first times I tried to hurt myself as a way to help restore some sense of fairness in the world.
12/07/18 I was able to buy Super Smash Bros. Ultimate on launch day. I did my pre-order, got it updated, and had everything set up. I was pretty excited to actually play this game on day one. So, when he wakes up I ask him to play and he said yes, on one condition. We have two controllers. A good gamecube controller is tough to come by. We have a black controller, and we have an orange controller with the rubber thumb thing missing. Since I bought, EVERYTHING and had everything ready, I wanted to use the black controller. He also wanted to use the black controller and wouldn't budge until he had the "master controller". I really tried to convince him, this was our only oppurtunity to play this on day one. That's a big deal! But he didn't want to. In my head, I decided, "fuck this, I've had enough." So I stood my ground and played by myself. I didn't stop there. Usually, I have a thing where I go "guess what? Umaga died." and then I segway into a funny video or conversation. That died that day, it hasn't returned since. I usually start the conversation with him all the time but I told myself that was it, if he actually wants to talk, he comes to me, never the other way around. I felt good about it after a while. It never occured to me just how miserable he made me feel and how I felt begging for his attention. As I grew up, I made more friends, some good, some bad. The good ones I kept close to me and I found myself needing him less.
I'm very, very sentimental. If someone gives me a gift, I usually keep the wrapping, the boxes, anything. It means a lot to me when someone gives me something. This poses a conundrum when someone I don't like gives me something. My brother will try to give me gifts to apologize or say that he cares. The apology part, is troublesome, because he never fixes his behavior and acts out a lot. It's upsetting having these "things" around me from someone that's constantly self-destructing, making me miserable, and making my parents miserable. It genuinely kills me to do this but 95% of the stuff he's gotten me, I've had to throw away. I felt terrible every time I've done it and I have to force myself not to think about it. At the very least, I have peace of mind.
Hachi. These things start, like when most things start, when he's drunk. Did he know he was opening up and being vulnerable to someone who hated him?
He tried to hurt my mom by saying, "grandpa deserved to die and he's in hell." It worked, but then she told me. It didn't help ease tensions.
05/2?/23 While he denied the claim at the time, his outbursts, lack of coherency, repetetion is speech leads me to believe he was drunk, or high, or a mixture of both. This was a week before my friends would move in. We talking on the front porch at night. The talk itself began innocently enough. We were mostly talking about what we would do in the house. I was talking about wanting a garden. He eventually called me out on not liking him. He's envious of the relationship my dad has with his brother. He wishes that we could be like that. A neighbor eventually stepped in and asked if everything was fine due to my brother's screeching. He should mind his own buisness and go back to dealing drugs and harassing his wife like the fucking loser he is. I felt offended this putz actually thought he had the capacity to play mediator in something like this... He's also mad that I call myself perfect all the time. He then drunkenly yelled at me for five minutes to admit my room was dirty. "ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT!" I never did. I'm not in denial, I know it's dirty, but admitting it would to him would not resolve anything. The stupidest line of the night has to go to, "If you put me in a position where I would have to defend myself I will shoot you!" Like, bravo, you learned what self-defense is,you fucking retard. You think an empty threat will scare me? I know you're too much of a fucking pussy to use it on me. You said, in a hypothetical, that after defending yourself from a stranger, you would use it on yourself to hide from legal responsibility. How fucking dare you think you have any swing to make me scared of you.
11/08/23 I reblocked his number on his birthday. He was drunk and sent me a very nasty, manipulative message when I was talking to Nick and Emily and didn't wish him a happy birthday. I could tell he was drunk because you would never get me to willingly admit that "my ex wished me a happy birthday... and you didn't." I told him how I felt in the nicest way possible, what he got wrong, how to improve, telling him the 20 I loaned him is now a gift, and that he's blocked again. Its sad that he's just spending his birthday alone, drunk, and in his room, but he isolates so much that I can't have a one on one. Blocking him may seem harsh but he likes to isolate people, and verbally berate them. I'll be damned if I give him the choice.
He was drunk, maybe high, but defintely drunk. The incident itself didn't even start off as malicious, in fact, he was trying to be nice... He called me an NPC but his responses cycled from "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH! DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING THE GOVENMENT/PARENTS TELL YOU?!? YOU'RE STUCK IN THE MATRIX!!" Like, whenever I asked him where he got his information from, he just kept cycling those reponses. He had a pathetic fake laugh and I made the horrible mistake of arguing with him while looking him in the eyes. What happened to him? When did he stop being the smart one? "I LIKED YOU BETTER WHEN YOU WERE MENTALLY ILL!!! OLD YOU WOULD HATE CURRENT YOU!!!" These words didn't hurt or affect me. Actually, they were quite boring. I knew what he was doing, he does it all the time to my mom and dad. He's more effective at making my mom cry because she's sensetive. But me, he's trying to say something that can hurt, which, it doesn't. He misses old me because that version of me still liked him, or rather, didn't have very many options of who to hang with. That's sad, but he should not have said that.
He took all of his stuff to San Marcos to hide from me. When he did it, he was drunk or high, likely both, and told my parent I was out to kill him. God he's so fucking embarassing. This was around the time I was trying to help him. Basic stuff like find out what he wants to be, where his money is going, easy stuff. So he just basically let me know that trying to help him in anything ever is a big fucking mistake. He stayed there for over a month. He also lost his job and girlfriend during that time, near the end. His girlfriend was very nice, but a bit of a pushover. My brother would be really fucking mean to her sometimes because he had a bad day and she was trying to cheer him up. She didn't deserve that. My brother got fired from a job he hated. He cried over it.
07/04/23 He sent passive aggresive texts to my mom asking where his invite was and why the family was avoiding him. He then called my mom, and it got ugly. i could tell he was intoxicated, again. He blamed her for alcoholism. When she started to cry, my dad got the phone and had a word. Its so tiresome because it feels like they're had this same fight for over five years.My dad told him to come to San Marcos so they can settle it. For whatever reason, my dad wanted me here to witness or hear this. I didn't want to, I wanted to watch a movie. At one point my brother talked about feeling very alone... When I got home, I saw the kitchen table, and it clicked. An empty package from circle K,a half-drunk orange soda, a shot glass, and a chili-cheese dog, untouched. It was genuinely a sad sight to see. I mean, I'm at peace with being by myself but him. He has destroyed several friendships, isolated from family, and has been a menance to my mom and dad. He has no one. Everything he's ever done has lead to this. It makes me tear up a bit thinking how alone and empty he must of felt at that table, but then I have to put my feelings back in a box.
Lately he's been trying to get back on my good side again with gift-giving, specifically with food and soda. I explicitly told him earlier that I only wanted change but that fucking idiot still seems to think that he can purchase a favorable outcome. I feel trapped. My parents constantly pressure me to take it but I really really do not want it. If this persists I may have to go back to being bulimic. He asks about my art but its too personal to share. He does not deserve to know about my friends. I love my friends. My art is very exploratory and is not for the weak. He still believes in satan and conspiracies. When he gets scared of new ideas he makes it everyone's problem. I will not slow down or dumb down for him.
I don't love him, I don't care about him. This isn't one of those sibling relationships where we're friends. I grew up, and he didn't. I'm reluctant to say I hate him because Hate requires an intense amount of energy and he is undeserving of that. A strong dislike is more accurate. I could like him in the future, but I don't like him now. He's been unimportant to me for a long time. He's envious of those siblings that have a good relationship. To me, its very foreign. I think about killing myself a lot, but it is my wish that no matter what happens, he dies first.