When I go to concerts, I usually write stuff in a pocket book. My original pocket book has gone missing. Sigh. Now I've decided to archive most of it here in case it disappears or if I disappear ( M A N I F E S T I N G).
If I write "redacted" anywhere, it means something should be there but I chose to omit it for some reason. Here's the fun part. At an undisclosed time, anything redacted will eventually be written in full. You just need to be patient hee hee.
Also, a lot of the ideas will be, "incomplete." I am only typing what's written and will sparingly provide context if its needed.
I'm not a big trigger warning person but I will mention self-harm and suicide A Lot. Like, as I'm writing this I am kind of shocked I would even write out some of this.
Final chance at redemption.
Sego currently shares a spot with Warpaint for worst concert of the year. It was a group effort. The heat, the lackluster performance by Warpaint, and the drunk annoying lady in the crowd.
I will send a threatening message to encourage Sego.
This is the worst I have ever felt in my body. I can't keep living like this. My mind, mentally, feels strong. The best its felt in a long time. Now I need to finish the job.
First group. Plain clothes. Dayjoy. Weak banter, strong opening song. Cold weather song not bad.
Day Joy pass ✅
Gender ambigious person wearing a "Cool cat loves you," shirt. Very nice.
La la's (maybe la ka's? the writing is tough to read.)
(redacted)
Nightosphere pretty good. May check out their stuff later
When they switched their guitars, the notes soured a bit. Intentional???
A little cold out
10 minutes before opening and a formidable line has formed.
"If I visit Columbia, I ain't saying nothing."
Toyata Highlander /light on. Oops!
Ameoba Sister talk? In 2025?
Trio in front of me is MEGA COOL
Some people Painted their faces. Cute!
Two short lesbians, one green hair. Big man, (redacted)! Cool anime tattoo!
My desire to self-harm came in very strong today. I know why, or rather the factors. On instagram, for some reason, there were several self-harm posts. Today one was a guy getting a beautiful bouquet of flowers over his heavily scarred arm. One was an indian girl showing her muscular quads and heavily scarred knees. The last one was particularly hurtful. Its from an instagram page meant to make fun of people. It showed a short, pasty white guy with magenta hair, black DC shoes, and black jean shorts. he had a black t-shirt on with the sleeves cut off.
The video spying on him in public then zoomed on his heavily scarred arms.
It was too mean.
So, these images didn't help, even if the first two were in a positive light.
It did help, somewhat, to ask myself why these posts distressed me.
Note: 7:35pm, someone had a medical emergency. You only see that at Danny Brown or JPEGMAFIA shows.
I hate my body. Between it being disgustingly fat and looking a way I can never reconcile with, unless I have money or connections. It feels like a prison.
The thoughts where I cut my skin and scoop out the fat are back.
They started to resurface on 02/16/25, the Chat Pile show. I know what did it but its such a stupid, crybaby reason that I will not write it down.
Will it matter in a year?
Luna Li blew all my expectations away. loved it!
Someone's lockscreen, bubble buddy holding hands with, pressumably, his bubble gf. Mega cute.
Nerd has a black snapback with Bluey dabbing.
Tell it to the rain!
Some lady has nice beige pants with black stars.
You be free
It's nice to be nice.
Space Bunz
Think very carefully about the person you want to be.
Ripped fabric cross pants. So wicked cool!
Oh my god that was terrible.
I remember lil Yachty was good.
Mostly Coherent at the end
I heard and saw most of it but could not communicate my joy and fascination.
There's no person more important than another person
While I was in that altered state, Stef would let me type from time to time. I, at that time, desperately felt the urge to write, "(redacted)" , but I thought better of it. I know what this is and (redacted)
Had a nice quiet moment
Eating a combo plate
Halal Time guy prayer rug
Audience is overwhelmingly one demographic. Guess. I dare you.
Fish purse. Very cute. (below is a drawing of the fish purse design)
This James Baldwin book is kicking my ass right now. "Just Above My Head." I was reading the same book while seeing St. Vincent last year.
I love my platelet donor bag.
Seldom does an item have a life changing effect but I forsee a more pleasant concert experience with this in tow.
Loving this lemon lady.
"where you sleep"
Last time lemon was here, she got the most poison ivy of her life. Claps and laughs follow. Redemption!
Homeless guy has nice jacket
I see a mute lady. Hmmm. She's asking for money
Spawn out of nowhere magic tricks
Hot chocolate design
hot chocolate design
Digging the opener's vibe. Says they're from around here
Catch the name
Galvin/Gavin Gaveen
7/11 Opera music
Too close to home
Remember when you were catholic haha
Nappy
Maybe sleep is the key.
Churches, just like the chicken.
Storm the capital.
Comedy Porno
Summerween
A monster holiday
Surf Dracula
The bunny apocalpyse
White pants. Too many bulges
Trailer for Demonatrix
Indonesia Childhood
Suicide by volcano. Cool.
Any near death experiences
Anything is legal in the future.
The bugs that are struggling are the ones that are still alive.
The code is espacio negro
(redacted)
Missed Glass Beams.
I got to hear them but by the time I joined the pit they were gone.
(redacted)
Lots of memories are triggering here.
The worst was Mother Mother
I had no idea how fast things could get bad.
Dueling Ice Cream Trucks.
Gothic Tunes
Currently standing next to someone so beautiful. My heart may explode. Beautiful nails. cool. Poppy 2021 shirt. Cool makeup. I wish I could have the courage to give a compliment. Why is my brain like this?
They had a beautiful rose hand/arm tattoos. They also had a burn scar on their hand. I found it to be beautiful. I wanted to plant a kiss on it. I am going insane.
I am surrounded by beauty. If beauty surrounds me, does that mean...
Nick is going to be here with his gf.
Invisible in a sea of people. Peace, at last, no one can percieve me. Not even me.
Its so tiring to live in a body you hate.
Someone has cologne that smells like my first year of community college.
I saw a familiar face though I am confident they didn't see me or rather, did not recognize the me I have become.I think they would hate me. I would hate me if I were them. But I think of them to be strong and to hate me would be an act of weakness, or so I think.
NEGGY GEMMY IS GOD AND I NEVER want to see the name, "Carl," in my life.
Mr. Taylor's late as usual.
Te veo. Espero que no me ves.
GEORGE CLANTON BIT SNORT'S HEAD OFF AND THREW THE BODY INTO THE AUDIENCE. That's okay. I have the head. As long as I have the head, I can rebuild my friend.
Make the Snort Zine or else*...
*else pending
X____________ (there is a signature on the line shown)
Bad news, Nate will, as well as his GF, be unavailable tomorrow.
Lots of (redacted) audience members.
Trying to read. So tired. Sleepy.
Ginger Root killed it. He won the audience over with ease. So proud of him.
Cute hairstyle. "mickey mouse."
What we levitating?
Wait! Is it levitation or Psych fest? or both? Am I stupid? Should I kill myself?
Person next to me has a cool hat with cool patterns. Idea?
Stong green stipes.
Someone's earrings look like a keychain. Mucho cool
I remain worried I will see someone I recognize. See someone who hates me.
How much longer must I carry this fear? And what happens when its realized? One of my biggest fears was losing nicole and that was realized. And I lived, and lived.
I get scared of losing my other close friends.
I love Stef. I love Kaitlyn. I care about Stef. I care about Kaitlyn.
I hope we stay friends for a while.
(illegible) abundance. How long will it be this good? When will we lose it all?
Godspeed You! Black Emperor left me in shambles
No luck again in getting anyone to join me. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
Throat is dead today. Cannot speak. I dearly wish to speak again.
Dreary day to be a Spellling fan.
The angels! One white, one black. So cool! I should make an outfit someday!
I always think of Joe Frazier but George Foreman would be cool too.
I am still hoping not to be recognized. At least, by the wrong people, who I must remind myself, do not know they are the wrong people. Who have never acted like the wrong people in any plane of reality that exists beyond my imagination. Still, I sparingly look around. Protect me angels.
A lot of people here look like Bre. I hope they're doing okay these days.
Last year they were really struggling. I helped, and helped, and continued to help despite feeling used.
I hope they're doing okay.
I cannot speak because my throat is acting up. Okay monkey's paw, we get it.
Smoking Keyboard, Mucho Jazz.
SMUT. Strong opening.
No sleeping on them.
Say it without saying it. Remember that?
What does a Spellling fan look like? Very goth. Was that to be expected?
Got a setlist. Nothing left to prove.
We lived.
Uh... really young crowd here.
This is a massive, MASSIVE shift from the 70+ crowd I saw at Samantha Fish's concert.
"wow, she's so generous."
"I want more."
I fear I'm at least twice the age of the person next to me.
Oh how the tables have turned.
"What if I jump off and Katy Perry catches me."
G U R R R R R R R L
Oh my fucking god, Image by Magdalena Bay is playing.
(Rebecca Black setlist)
"oh my gosh are you dumb?"
These kids are too funny.
Daft Punk derezzed is now playing. Damn. This is making my middle school cells shake.
Justice, Afterimage is playing
Rebecca Black killed it!
I am so proud of her!
She was on top of her sexy men dressed as school girls in a lewd pyramid formation and they had to cut the screens temporarily because too much bulge was showing ha ha!
Someone's wearing a Marilyn Manson tour baseball style jersery. Can you try to look less rapey in a venue full of kids?? Please? Maybe?
"All the people in the center are just sad. They can't do the wave."
This is very stupid but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.
"Left Shark? Banned!"
Once again me and two members of the Kick John Mayer in the Nuts Club engage in an adventure. Snarf's primero por supuesto.
I felt pretty sad about the whole relapse thing but everyone has been oddly supportive of me. I get so scared about burning everyone's goodwill and love regarding this. I mean, a 26 year old that still struggles with self harm. How embarrassing.
I don't recognize anyone, so far.
Somewhat homosexual crowd. Only somewhat.
It's weird how much I self-depricate on the regular, but in a diverse crowd like this, not a single negative thought comes to my mind.
If everyone saw me the way I saw me, I would have no doubt they would rip my flesh, fat, and bones like a plate of bone-in wings.
If I treated me the way others saw me, uh, what would I do?
That guy with a front button up bowling style shirt
Fishnets? Someday. Lose weight first you disgusting faggot
No familiar faces, Maybe I am invisible. At the very least, I hope they remember my Bull.
The opener was great. That is not held on (illegible)
Cunt will be in my rotation. I love adding music, flavors, threads; to my own personal tapestry.
This would be a nice spot to commit suicide. The problem is, it would hurt innocents. I deserve the (illegible but I am believe it says worst)
As we left, a drunk lady asked where we were going.
I said, "up."
Who is, "you know who?" I speak in so much innuendo about so many people, its kind of hard to say who tbh.
James Beige shirt, brown hat
Abel/Maggie/black dress, big guy and girlfriend
Main Squeeze. Tasty, sweet.
That's the weird/cool thing about having friends, you never know where it takes you.
Fancy menu. I have no doubt I will enjoy everything but at these prices, I should really order one.
The chicken and waffles. They call to me.
Nothing is particularly good and vegan. It can be vegan, but barely skirts past being good. It can be good but its in no way vegan. Many such cases.
Disturing lack of tomatoes in this burger menu.
I'm closing up a bit but I am genuinely tired. Donating platlets will do that sometimes.
I already see Alejando. I don't believe he recognizes me these days as Whenever I shout him out in public, it falls on deaf ears. Or maybe he's deaf. We haven't (illegible) up in so long its not entirely out of the picture. A lot can change in five years. I mean, if I can't (redacted) in a reasonable timeframe, I'll surely get a cockring and nipple tattoos.
Wait, did I just mention, *that*??? That's partially one of he underlying reasons I hate my body but this is not something I really like to share. It's like nursing. "When's it going to happen?" "How far along are you?" Gurl, get off my back! Its a long, difficult, and most importantly, expensive process. It will happen when it happens!
It's 6:07. They say if he's 15 minutes late we can leave early. Heh.
Remember, this is not about you. If your stupid brain does act up, make sure to give him the gift before leaving and self-loathing.
(redacted) is good people. I'm not sure if we ever hit it off bad prior. I am competitive, that is part of my appeal, but I think he's good people.
(redacted) or however you spell his name, has arrived.
He's definetly one of the, "bigger" guests so its cool he made time to show up.
Alejandro saw me at Chat Pile which means he likely saw my best friend. Or maybe not. It was quite nippy so she did head for something warmer.
(redacted) says I should be over more, like, in general. Birthday boy was under the impression I hated him. So not the case, but I can be cold. I should be less cold.
This may sound silly but , I really feel compelled to tell (redacted) where I am and that I'm having a good time. She needs space right now, so I won't.
We'll be okay. I don't completely understand what she's going through, but I want her to be okay.
shhhhhhhhhh
We are patiently waiting for Karaoke
Karaoke
Karaoke
I wanna sing Under Pressure, Without You, Chance, Angel Olsen
The guys are taking too long
Can't find Snort! Did he run away? Should I kill myself?!!!
I have been looking forward to this night for quite a bit.
I was really losing hope it would happen for a moment.
I hope Stef is doing okay. I hope she's playing music with her friends and making new ones. I hope she's closer to okay.
Red lights. Mucha gente.
I don't believe I will ever get over the feeling of soul crushing lonliness while surrounded by people. Skill issue, skill issue, skill issue.
(setlist for fav songs followed by doodles)
She removed the flower and drank from the bottle lol
Que hermosisimo
Damn. She's so good.
Espero que yo sabia mas espano(illegible)
Morbid curiosity sells I guess.
The seat I scored was fantastic btw. This is the lowest and closest I have ever sat in the Moody Center so far.
Why are people bringing kids. Do they not know what this group is famous/infamous for?
A lot of the top middle sections has been blocked off. Are they not that popular? Hmmm.
I've been practing my coping mechanisms my therapist shows me yesterday. They seem to be helping. I'm not happy with how my disgusting stomach looks, but I was able to stop the spiral mid-spiral while changing today. That's nuts!!!
Shades cannot be fixed; color is eternally, at the mercy of light. Pg. 967
In the pit there is a shirtless muscular man dancing. He's so beautiful I think I might die. What are these feelings? I never used to have these.
I told Kaitlyn after this I would continue my efforts to get better. I want to get better. I need to stop letting everyone around me down.
These Flame Leggings, I feel pretty. Its been so long since I've felt pretty. So bright, so happy, I beam with every move
TAKESHITA I LOVE YOU
There's a kid commentating behind me and he's caught up with all the memes. So funny.
Mistico has a romantic theme
Mortos has a metal theme.
They got Kota Ibushi!
Several people turned their head when I yelled at Max Castor (sucks) "GO BACK TO HOUSTON!!!" MJF for the sneaky win.
Adam Cole's match with Kyle Fletcher has been upgraded to a 4-man match. Uh oh.
He has announced he's dealing with a medical issue. Do not expect to see him for some time. He is on the verge of tears.
Take care, Adam.
I finally get to see Dustin Rhodes in action. I am such a big fan of him. I am so excited to see him!
Protostar, Kyle Fletcher will obviously win the match.
There is a huge chance I'm on camera for the young bucks entrance. By extenson, Snort.
I love you Snort.
That Will Osperay, Swerve Strickland match vs. the young bucks was genuinely insane.
There is a father and son who will not stop singing the praises of The Protostar, Kyle Fletcher and they are so right for that. May Kyle bless them.
Women's Casino Gauntlet match starting now
Athena Won! Damn Gurl! You've come a long way but I knew you would win.
My throat is getting a little sore. That's okay, I'm fine. I want to over exert myself.
I hope The Hurt Syndicate retain.
I can't believe I can finally see Bobby Lashley and Shelton Benjamin live! Today has been a great day.
Christian Cage is a heel but he's so, so good at it. Very hard to hate him.
Adam Copelan, "Edge" returned.
FTR has taken Christian Cage's son.
Dream match up next. I am on the moon. I haven't stopped smiling since I arrived.
"Timeless" Toni Storm vs. Mercedes Mone
I screamed for most of this!
Toni Storm is my spirit animal and I feel so inspired
Omega vs. Okada up next.
I can hear Omega slapping Okada's chest from here. I am in wrestling heaven Right now.
Heaven by Hana Vu is a great song btw.
Okada keeps targeting Omega's intestines. You know, the ones where he previously suffered diverticulitus.
I feel so lucky to see an Omega match in person.
"Technically, is this the fifth match in their quintilogy?" LMAOOOOOOO this kid.
FUCK DON CALLUS
incredible match.
Main event, up next.
Hangman Adam Page vs. Jon Moxley
Me Knowing Chris Jericho is not on the show (below is a stick figure with sunglasses and the stick figure is smiling
The Sun has melted and we have a new champion. Tonight has been a historic one.
Darby Alin is back.
Bryan Danielson showed up.
I think things will finally start to turn up.
That's not just a prediction, it's a spoiler.
Also: Lady complimented my commentary during the event. Found it to be super funny. Especially during the Toni match.
Ryan "the living god," has finally joined me for a concert. Bueno.
I am honestly shocked it didn't happen sooner.
"excuse me, I'm gonna cross over."
"Eat life to its fullest!"
We're monsters!
They should live, love, laugh, cluck and fuck! but we are stealin its best years for Shaq-sized Flavor!!!
I understand the Julie appeal. Wow, oh wow.
Ryan is good people. He deserves a good show.
Julie is putting the "moody" in the Moody Center. AGh! Inject this angst into my veins.
I am wearing my medium Justice shirt, black vegan fingerless gloves, and Tripp pants. Again, I feel comfortable with my body and how I look.
Am I okay?
Cereza where are you? Who's your friend? Will we be friends?
That remains to be seen.
We are in the dark, no one can see ypu, STOP DOING YOUR FUCKING MAKEUP
Gotta Ca (the show starts and this thought remains unfinished and forgotten ): ),
This was everything.
What a time to be alive. To move, to love, to witness, and be a part of the wonder.
Follow for a free I-phone
Anyone could be Cereza.
(redacted)
Jackie
Life changing Waffle. I wish I could share this waffle with everyone.
Bengerman nethanyu would probably shoot himself in the head after trying this waffle after (redacted)
Ryan is good at taking pictures of me. How does he do it?
Suki Waterhouse follows me wherever I go.
An exercise of free will